I have been thinking about this question for a while...
What is it about life that just when everyone around you seems to be "getting it together" your life seems more chaotic with pieces everywhere? This is not a pity-me sort of question, but an honest one. It seems that many people go through life in cycles. It has always amazed me that I have had less drama in my life when those close to me have enormous amounts of drama and then it flips to where I have tons of drama and those close to me have very little. I think it is the natural order of things so we are never left alone, you know? Then we can help those around us and then be helped when we need it. I have been pondering this question often because my husband is "getting it together" and I am loving it, but the more organized he gets the more chaotic I am or seem to be. Maybe I am always that way and now I just see just how crazy my life really is in comparison. (Be truthful...I am a little crazy, right?) Isn't it odd that I see our lives as separate in many ways? I think that, too, is the natural order of things. Working spouses lead very separate lives from us working at home. When they are home we are in sync, sort of, but the majority of the awake time is separate. Luckily, I am a talker and in my life Rob and I are able to catch up and get on the same page about things.
Rob seems to get better with each child...more helpful and involved. I definitely think I improve with each child also. I am so much more organized in some ways regarding schedule and Luke's school stuff. My problem lies with my time. I am terrible at fitting in my (me) time and at being productive in down time (which is sadly also known as house cleaning time). I have always found it difficult to keep up with the expectations I feel others have for me. Years of therapy have helped me realize that most of those "expectations" are merely my inability to set good and sturdy boundaries with others. Some of those "expectations" are real though and in the end I begin to resent them which leaves me in a position where I want to ignore it all. (My unhealthy habit of avoidance.) Do you love how I psycho-analyze myself?
Going to 3 kids has been extremely smooth considering we have indeed gone to 3 kids. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop...the baby will start freaking out regularly, Luke will flunk out of kindergarten, and Carys will start peeing her pants and revert back to diapers at 4! I know, I know, those are not real fears, but you get it, the other shoe...what is coming around the corner for us?
All of these feelings leave me feeling very out of control! Does anyone else feel out of control? Not to mention that raising kids in and of itself is a very out of control situation. There is very little you can do to control your children...actually, I just read a book that states it is impossible because they are human beings...duh! So simple, yet, so profound. I have a whole different post devoted to my new motto for parenting/disciplining...that is for another time. Back to the control thing. What do you do to regain control in your life in a healthy manner? Or, are you all perfectly organized and "together?" (Yeah, don't tell me to do something crazy like counting everything or checking locks 80 times...we aren't trying to replace one issue with another one and I already have plenty!) Really answer if you have some good words of wisdom!
6 comments:
Do you have a camera somewhere in my house? I could have written this post! I am so glad to see that there is someone else out there that feels and thinks the same way that I do. It sounds like you have everything under control and you are handling 3 kids way better than I am going to handle 4. Maybe this is a sign that you guys need to more back here, haha.
BTW I love your pictures!!!!
My first thought is that it is not about not being in control. Rather it is the stage that you are in. Having three young children makes it really hard to stay on top of things. Especially right after you have another one. Before we moved here, I felt like I was always running around with my head cut off. But since we have come here things have gotten much better. I really think it is for two reasons.
First, my kids are now older. I do not have a baby. (Although he is still in diapers).
But secondly, and nore importantly, all three of my kids are in school. Em and Madi are there all day. And Tim goes to preschool mornings a week. Those nine hours of kid free time makes a HUGE difference in everything. I can take care of all of those errands without kids. I have time to sit and do nothing if I want to. But more importantly I have me time.
So I guess my advice is not to beat yourself up! You will have time to get it all together! It may just be in a couple of years:)
If you can say that you are getting better with each kid, then I wouldn't worry about your chaos/control issues! I only have 2 kids and feel like we are regressing every day. I can't imagine how much a third child would set us back! :)
I think you just have to decide what is most important that can reasonably be accomplished? An imaculate house every minute of every day is probably not reasonably accomplishable for you at this stage of life (or ever!). It may just be that the dishes get put in the dishwasher after every meal, or at the end of the day. Then don't beat yourself up if there is ever a dish sitting in the sink at any moment of the day.
Also, I have found that when I get more motivated to tackle big self-improvement projects, just take on one change at a time. Once that change is incorporated into my daily schedule then move on to something else. Just don't forget to keep doing Item #1 when you add Item #2. For example, making my bed is something I didn't do for a long time (if ever in recent memory). Once I started making it regularly, it made me feel a lot better ... that my room wasn't so messy and I wasn't so unorganized. Once it became habit, I moved on to something else. There are days that I start to leave the room with a messy bed but make myself go back and make it. It's really not a big deal, but it makes me feel better that I stuck with my good habit rather than let it slide.
Baby steps, Julie! You are awesome and inspiring in so many ways. So don't get down on yourself when everything in life is not perfect.
I feel like my life is DEFINITELY a control/chaos cycle... in extreme form!
I am trying to combat that, though, and be in a moderate place. It may sound trite but the thing that makes the biggest difference for me being able to be "in control" of myself and what I can control (and accepting or at least dealing with the rest!!!) is studying my scriptures, particularly in the morning and with a journal.
I had fallen out of the scripture journaling habit with marriage and kids and have recently started doing it again in the mornings... it makes SUCH a difference to my day. (Of course accompanied with prayer.)
Sorry if that sounds cheesy, but it's honestly my "key" to sanity... without it, my life starts falling apart!
aHi, Julie. Hope you don't mind me checking in on your blog. You are so sweet and I love your honesty. It does goes in cycles! One big cycle. I don't think I know anyone who is on top of it and in control all the time. I can't even imagine having 3 little ones!! I've always appreciated your honesty about the challenges of motherhood,etc. I remember a comment you made in RS one Sunday before I even had Clayre and I found it comforting and felt like, "Oh good, other people feel this way too"....and I wasn't even a mother yet!! Thanks for that. You'll continue around the cycle and right when someone else is feeling out of control you'll be able to help them!
Thanks for your encouraging words...I am implementing your tips (making beds in the morning, and scriptures) and remembering that this "stage" is a short time and to enjoy it as much as I can. It won't be long when I look back like I do with Carys and Luke and barely remember them in diapers. I love comments so keep them coming!
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